Don't bother me today. I'm freaking angry. Plus, I'm about to cough my lumbs out. I had a li'l fight with a friend today: Yan, I apologize for being so rude. It's 3:10. i'm still thinking about every little thing that mixes up my mind. I figured out I should write everything I think of so I can re-read myself and realise what I should do. So I decided to carry a journal. And hey, makes class more... uh, less boring.
Seems like I'm questioning about everything and nothing at the same time. I think I have answers and then a minute later, I change my mind. That's it, I can't make up my mind! I'm anxious, depressed, I'm angry, I'm lost, I'm scared. Though I'm used to modd swings, I'm just so... surprised? It's like I've ignored all the problems my couple has accumulated. And then I saw. Glorious disenchantment.
Question to answer soon:
*Do I love him, I mean LOVE?
*Is he just a friend, has he become a friend?
*Am a willing to work on a relationship that's almost lost?
*Are we meant for each other?
*What will we do?
Profesionnaly, in 4 months, I'll be an aesthtician and electrolyst. Where will I go? What do I wanna do? I still dunno. I thought about taking a few months off between my studies and searching a job. But then again, I'm not sure of anything. I'd like to be a make-up artist, but I can't be a M-A here. But I would miss my family, and for my BF, Montreal is a no-no. Here again, I have to rethink my plan.
Questions to answer soon:
-> What do I wanna do?
-> Where will I/can I do it?
-> Is what I want possible?
[...]
February the 10th, 2006
Had a very difficult night last night. Coughed a lot, it even made me cry. Then I came home, running into his arms. Je ne désirais qu'une trêve. Comme une enfant qui a peur d'avoir peur. Pourtant, leaving school, I was sure that it was over. The problem is: I don't want it to be over. Of course I want to save my couple! But why? why? why? why? why? why? why? I am definately tortured. He bought me some marshmallows hearts. Sweet, but uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel he holds me back. He sometimes seems younger than me but we're the same age. Physically yes, mentally, I don't know. It used to work, but can it work again? Seems like I'm not natural, it's not me anymore.
Where is myself, where am I? I felt it a few weeks ago. I'm so depressed, sad, independant, I'm laxàzy, weak and mean to others. I'm A BITCH. Even Edith told me that today. She told me I have changed since the Holidays. I agree. I'm not the same. I'm not happy anymore.
So what can I do about it? What's the solution? Can somebody tell me plase where the problem is? Maybe should I go see a fortune teller.
I feel guilty and oh such a jerk. If he was mean, maybe I could justify. But he's not. He's such an angel.
